Answers,Answers,

Why do you write so much.It makes me dizzy just looking at the size of these Blogs?

I do it exactly the same way a guitarist riffs.I write very quickly (one blog can take me about five minutes.Don’t even break a sweat.).Writing is my natural talent (everyone has at least one)and I do it very well and just like a guitarist it almost comes out of nowhere.I love writing and love reading what I’ve written when I’m finished.Just like any musician does with a song.

Why so many jokes?

Humour is the oil which moves the reader through the lines of words and dialogue.Making it smooth on the eye.As a reader myself I hate reading anything which is not peppered with humour.Likewise humour lets people see I am prepared to rip into myself as much as anyone else and bizarrely makes the reader get your point better.

Can you make a joke out of anything?

Frankly yes.All you need is a punchline and work backwards in your head.For me that is easy but I know somepeople find it hard to come up with “backstory” to a punchline.I don’t I just invent two characters have a conversation and go from there.Ask the guy from the brilliant (genius)Curb Your Enthusiasm.Also sexual innuendo is still a neat trick if you can pull it off (..ooh sorry for that atrocious innuendo)

Give us an example of a funny joke with a sexual innuendo underneath.

Okay and this was just made up as I’m writing this.

“Remember that guy who used to be into leather and kinky womens clothes?”
“Yeah”
“What was his name?”
“Jonathan Miles.He used to work in the garage near the bridge”
“What did the police call him when he was arrested with that prostitute?”
“Rubber Johnny”

See?

You write like a script.Like the lines to a sitcom?

Exactly because people talk like a sitcom nowadays.Also it makes the reader feel they are being entertained.Which of course they are.I like the idea people are jealous of me being able to think so quickly on my feet.

How important is fictional characters and situations to your writing?

Hugely.Because you can invent storylines and situations and “backstory” which are funny but would never would have happened in real life.I got a lot of praise from people for the Blog where the character (you know who) went to an aids clinic,a maternity ward and had a blind man thrown out of a bar.That was my Curb Your Enthusiasm tribute blog.A series of miunderstandings which affect a decent human being whose only crime is being insensitive to their surroundings.I know the real person it is based on would NEVER do that.She is far too intelligent and in reality is far too shy to ask to borrow a chinese or black baby.

How far would you go with your writing?

As far as I like.The only limit is my imagination and the things,events and people which spark that hungry beast.

Your personally again…describe your first girlfriend.

Lisa Fields.Very Middle Class English Girl.Clever,intelligent,very good looking ( a natural blonde)who loved Snoopy movies.The nicest girl who looked after me for years (I cannot cook to save my life and if it wasn’t for restaurants I would be a skeleton) and I wish her the very best wherever she is.I only recently realised I was the luckiest guy as most men’s first girlfriend is rarely such quality girl.Later on maybe (as is also the case with most girls first boyfriend) but she was the best.I have no bad memories of her.We broke up naturally and I hope she is very happy.

Things you like in women.

Incredibly smoking.I don’t smoke and never have.I am not holier than thou I just never got into it at school.However I can tolerate a woman smoking,firstly because ONLY women make smoking cool (the way they hold their cigarette.Only a few men make smoking cool.Bogart etc) and secondly because it gives them an air of calm control (devious planning?)that I find alluring.Yep I know all that is classic freudian stuff (yep I know what the cigarette is supposed to represent..but mine doesn’t have a filter on it’s tip!) but I don’t care.Of course I have the mental scars to show for having 3 girlfriends who were (trying) to give up smoking when I knew them.Women sometimes make the mistake of thinking men find a woman who smokes like an ashtray.I have kissed women who smoked and it didn’t taste like an ashtray.They tasted like a mouth!

Things women like in you.

Passion.Humour.I never hit a woman in my life.It is sheer cowardice ( my pet hate)to do that (it would kill me to see tears in a girls eyes because I hit her.Simple as that)although I was once kicked in the balls by a female friend demonstrating a self defense technique.I take no shit from women and treat them as equals which means I give as good as I get in an argument.Giving anyone preferential treatment because of their sex,race,religion or sexual orientation is just not on.You take the credit you take the blame.Applies to me like anyone else.My creative use of bad language.I can get away with such obvious filth if it is phrased right,trust me.

Things women might hate in you?

Too clever sometimes.My planning can sometimes be downright devious and I always believed that if you are going for a girl always get rid of any competition first by hook or by crook especially by badmouthing them in public (always a winner by the way).If I am pushed too far my morality evaporates and I am thinking of how I can destroy any (perceived?)enemy.I hate shaving (it grows back almost immediately) and I take the piss out of fashion too much and too easily (the downside of being quickwitted is that I can invent a backstory for any photo I am shown in a magazine and often a crazy name to go along with it like Penelope RubberHump,Darius Chandlier Du Pres Gaylord,Chunk Samsons,Wendy Tampon And The Periods (they only play one gig a month!) and Lilly GeezerFish (my parody of Lilly Allen,Keith Allen’s daughter trying to be the next Kirsty Mc Coll.Not gonna happen girlie.).Ironically one girl once said I had the most beautiful devil’s eyes she had ever seen.I let a woman do all the chatting up.I am secure in my sexuality enough not to care who does the “chasing and running” frankly.

Any scars?

Yep,lower right arm.I cut it accidentally with a glass when I was fifteen and it left a tiny crecent shaped white scar.Scar on my left ankle where a dart accidentally hit me.I didn’t even feel it.A tiny scar on my right cheek underneath my eye.When I was 8 I went around the class I was in in school showing all the girls my penis (the story of my life !)..by pulling down the front of my pants…everyone laughed but one girl started to cry and dug her fingernails into my face and pulled down,tearing out some cheek flesh.I was left with two problems,an eye bandage I had to wear for a few weeks( chicks really dig the wounded.I was very popular and got lots of sweets!) and the teacher making sure I had a belt keeping my pants up every day.My mother was told “Your son has a nasty habit of being an exhibitionist”

How right she was.

Any other physical secrets?

I crashed my motorbike into a tree in the mid 80’s.I was going through a park and thought I could go through a pool of water but I skidded and shot right across the road still upright on the bike.I hit the tree and the bike was fairly undamaged.I took off my helmet and several of my teeth fell out! I have expensive crown work welded teeth permanently to my upper plate.Ironically it improved my smile no end and in fact they are better than my real teeth would have been.Worth every penny.

When I was a very young teenager I had to go to the doctor for a strange rash on my penis caused by too much masturbation.Yes it really was a friction burn!

My fingernails grow at a surprisingly fast rate.I cut them on Thursday and they are extended over my fingers by the next thursday! My hair grows too fast too.

In the summer months when it is hot I cannot sleep with any covering on me.I must strip the bed of everything except the bottom sheet and the pillows.I like total darkness (I was never afraid of the dark as a child)and my eyes adjust to pitch black very quickly.I hate any clock ticking noise when I am trying to sleep and early in the morning I open the window and shout at the birds to “shut the fuck up I’m tryin’ to sleep.You feathery bastards!”

I have to wear sunglasses on a sunny day even if it’s cold like most people with gray/blue eyes.My eyes look fantastic but they are very sensitive to light.I am not a vampire honest.

Your worst habit…?

I cannot stop fiddling with anything which is loose on my body (no tittering at the back please!).That is why I never got any piercings.You have to let them heal and I just wouldn’t be able to do that.It would be septic in seconds and I admire people who get tattos I would have to shave my chest for that to happen and it’s bad enough on my face.Thank you.

I hate having to pick between two equal things.I am the classic guy who likes to shop but hates the actual process of shopping.I can only do if If I go into the shop in advance and know what I am getting.God help me if they suddenly introduce new extra items to choose from.Don’t even get me started on buying dvds.I am a dvd addict and cannot resist a box set or a well packed dvd.I am the sucker “special editions” were invented for and of course being a huge movie buff I am screwed when I look at the rows of shiny new special editions.Of course I bought the Star Wars sequels and they are such bad movies but apparently I need (like a fix) to see how they did the special effects even though they look EXACTLY like they were generated on a computer.

I do not cook (mentioned before) so I am basically not a real 21st century man.

Your favourite tv shows currently?

Curb Your Enthusiasm (just for Beloved Cunt alone,I could have written THAT episode),Desperate Houswives (I am not gay but the writing on that show is fantastic (drama and humour)and Marcia Cross (Bree) is brilliant (secretly the woman every man wants instead of the hyped Teri Hatcher.Nothing is sexier than a “classy” lady who you know would virtually chew your dick off and then spit it out into a nice napkin afterwards(Yes I AM revealing far too much with these questions..lol!) In other words quiet conservative surface and volcanic underneath with a strong core of intelligence/sensitivity.The scene where she broke down after her husbands death was heartbreaking and her son was a prick.Lost ( I hate myself for liking it because I know I am being manipulated (a classic writers trick) but it is so involving.Nip & Tuck (a fantasy view of plastic surgery..it would takes months for such scars to heal and yet the patients are fit and healthy a few days later..but very stylish and good soundtrack songs..),Criminal Minds,Bones and the CSI shows.

Comedy shows like Family Guy,Arrested Developement (brilliance),Extras (very accurate portrait of behind the scenes in the entertainment world),Green Wing (I was told by a medical friend that this is surprisingly accurate..especially the attitude of consultant doctors and the Sue White character…),Garth Marenghi”s Darkplace (anybody who has read a UK horror novelist like James Herbert,or Ramsey Campbell will recognise what sort of horror novels the show is sending up.),The I.T. Crowd (the ultimate piss take of computer geeks and also frighteningly accurate) and Ugly Betty.All quality comedy.

Your favourite movies…?

Asking a movie buff like me such a question is like asking an alcoholic to name his favourite sherry.If it’s wet and alcoholic it will do (that used to be my method for choosing a girlfriend!..lol only joking).It would take too long for me to list my favourite movies but I would recommend the following:Donnie Darko,Gummo,Kill Bill Vol 1,Sexy Beast (Ray Winstone),Big Lebowski,Seven,Fight Club (Brad Pitt is funny when he is training with his Nanchucks and Helena B Carter is fantastic).Secretary (Maggie Gyllenhall),All of the Kevin Smith movies (especially Clerks,Mallrats and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back),Ghost World (Thora Birch especially the Bollywood music scene she dances to),Mulholland Drive (Naomi Watt’s bravery by actually REALLY masturbating on screen),American Beauty,The Usual Suspects.Seven (all K Spacey’s peak),The Life Aquatic (for the Bowie songs and Bill Murray in a beard),That’ll Be The Day/Stardust (David Essex,the best movies about how your ego and crooked selfish manager can make a person blow it in the music business.They also prove that Keith Moon and Rngo Starr were very good actors.The music is slighty dated but otherwise everything is frighteningly realistic in these 2 classics which EVERYONE in the music biz should see and learn from).
I would also recommend Playtime (Jacque Tati),8 and a half/Dolce Vita ((Fellini),The Damned,Death In Venice and Night Porter (Dirk Bogarde),Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,Lost in Translation (B Murray again and the most realistic portrait of Japan (it actually rains a lot there),Magnolia (for Aimee Mann’s songs),M and Metropolis (Fritz lang),Brazil (Terry Gilliam for De Niro’s funny cameo,Amelie (The fabulous Destiny Of Ameilie Poulin as it really should be known) Audrey Tatou is fantastic but she admits she may be typecast by it like the girl in Betty Blue sadly was.The People V Larry Flynt ( he plays the judge in the movie) and Courtney Love is great.She was also great in the brilliant Man on The Moon (Jim Carrey).Both from Milos Foreman…
(Cuckoos Nest,Amadeus) and some cult viewing..Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eight Dimension (the ultimate cult cool movie),Heidwig and The Angry Inch,Shadow Of The Vampire (Willem Dafoe)and the horror movies Near Dark,The Hunger (Bowie does look like a real old man with the make up),The Haunting (the black and white Robert Wise version which will scare the crap out of you), 28 Days Later,Black Christmas (very scary!) and Dawn Of The Dead (1979 version)
I would recommend 2 flops which I think are great,both by Coppola….
One From The Heart (years ahead of it’s time,all shot on a sound stage) and RumbleFish (also years ahead and a reminder why Mickey Rourke was supposed to be the new Brando before he made his recent semi comeback with Sin City) and of course the classic like StreetCar,On the Waterfront,Sunset Boulevard,Lady From Shanghai (Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth,a classic long overdue rediscovery) and of course all the 70’s movies (Dog Day Afternoon,Parallax View,All The Presidents Men,Night Moves (G Hackman),The Long Goodbye (Elliot Gould is me basically),Nashville etc)

My absolute favourite actor?
..Bizarrely a man called Udo Kier,brilliant in almost everything he does but fantastic in Flesh For Frankenstein (”you dirty thing”) and Blood For Dracula (”wergins”)and has guested in many hip horror movies (Blade).He is very similar to Klaus Kinski (Nosferatu).He knows exactly what he is doing and he has a great sense of humour and timing.I like the fact he clearly gets the joke…His deadpan role in Shadow Of The Vampire and his forthcoming roles in the Halloween remake and Tarentino’s new movie will show everyone I was right to notice him..

Got That?

That christ I save these Blogs as I would kill myself trying to rewrite it!